You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
