Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
