I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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