i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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