If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We got so high we made milksteak
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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