Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
