I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
