Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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