I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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