My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
