man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
