Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
