Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
