It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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