I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
