i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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