Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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