the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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