I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
