Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
