I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
