Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
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