ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
