i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
