walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
