Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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