her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sext me about skeletons
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
