it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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