yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
