winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
