Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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