Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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