fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
