You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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