Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
