Swine flu. Run for my life!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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