Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
