i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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