i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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