That's intense
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
