I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
