I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
