There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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