I am midnight drunk by noon
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Everclear isn't food dammit
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
