hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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