just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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