Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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