your parents love me but you hate me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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