She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
