I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just found a bag of teeth...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
